Sort of following on from my previous post really – I’m not thinking coherantly this morning, so I’m just writing down what’s coming out.
As I’ve got older, I’ve thought about experiences and times of my life that really meant something to me at the time. My life story is an interesting one – but has lots of facets to it.
I was 17 years old and working in a music shop in Yeovil – pretty much making the tea. This is possibly not what my parents had in mind for me as they saw me growing up. However, it was good fun. I was priviledged to work with an exceptionally inspirational guy, called Simon. We’re still friends to this day. He taught me how to sell. He also taught me how to talk to people – being the grumpy sod of a teenager as I was. Anyhow, he put me in touch with the manager of his other store who was looking for a bass player. Now, I couldn’t play bass. Not a note. Some would argue I still can’t. Anyhoo… I blagged my way through saying I’d give it a shot, and I got invited to an rehearsal with a band called Saints n Sinners – a classic rock covers band. Got there, nearly died. Awesome guitarist, awesome keyboard player, awesome drummer, awesome singer. Shit bass player. Cutting a huge part of the story out, they had no other option and as a group of people, we just clicked. We had an amazing laugh. Hadn’t laughed so much in years. We decided to give it a go. 6 or so rehearsals later and we had a half decent set. Barrie (singist in said band) organised our first gig, downstairs in the pub where we rehearsed. It went well, we got people there, they had fun, we got paid. Nice. Barrie organises another one. The Newmarket Hotel in Bridgwater. Great venue, lots of people. We were starting to get a name for ourselves after 2 gigs. Awesome! A month or so later, I get a phone call from Baz. “we’ve got a gig” – cool, I reply. “It’s at Hinkley Point power station, in a huge marquee in the grounds of the social club” – Cool, I reply. “Supporting ELO”. Shit, I reply. Can we do it? Is it possible? Are you joking? Nope. The big day comes and goes, we play to about 2,000 as the warm up (venue held 10,000!) but people were down the front listening to us. Amazing. I shall never, ever forget it.
Anyway, cutting huge amounts of the story out. We split after 5 years of playing together. The gigs were less frequent in the latter years, our original drummer left and a replacement was drafted in. It didn’t really work out and the atmosphere wasn’t really the same. I left, the original drummer came back (I don’t think it was personal!!) – I’d gone. We all lost touch and had done for the last 8 years, until about 3 months ago.
The singer, Barrie, added me as a friend on Facebook. As did Chris (drummer) and Eug (Guitarist). I’m still in touch with Mark (keys). We decided it would be fun to catch up for food and a beer or two. Eventually, it was just Chris, me and Barrie that turned up to the Blackbrook Tavern in Taunton. It felt like yesterday. Great food. Great conversation, I nearly cried with laughter at one point! Then it was on to Taunton town centre to go and watch a covers band. Of course, conversation turned to remembering our S&S days… the gigs, the music, the fun, the jokes… I’m so pleased that I’m in touch with these boys again. What fun it was. I’m putting together parts of my life that I’d pushed to one side. Parts of my life that I’d brushed away. I have been so fortunate to meet so many amazing people in my life so far. Amazing people, with great souls. People who have been genuine friends for me. Who still remember little touches with me. Who were always there when I needed an ear – who I didn’t have to ask, they just knew.
I threw a lot of this away when I moved away from the South. I think about what a bad friend I have been to them, as I have lost touch with an awful lot of them. All in order to find a “fresh” start up here in the Midlands. I am carrying so much baggage around with me – I feel like I don’t know how to address it. People up here know what I let them know about me. People down South know me warts ‘n’ all. Never the twain shall meet hopefully. The interesting side of the equation, is when you have to start asking the question that, are the people who only see the side of me that I’m prepared to give away (and therefore what I consider my best aspects) the genuine friends I think they are, or is it the rough around the edges, difficult at times, friends who know me warts ‘n’ all and who can recount stories about me of incidents I don’t want to remember? Interesting stuff…
Interesting thoughts, Rich.
I’m no longer in touch with the friends that I had in my late teens and early twenties. I also worry about how much of the “real” me it is “safe” to reveal to people now, as I’m sure some of it would put people off. But I’ve come to realise that all of that worry is quite natural.
Someone once said to me that “we are the sum of all our experiences and injuries”. And that made me think hard about my life, and I came to realise that I’m not the person I was in my late teens. So, although I still carry all that baggage around with me, and still worry (probably unnecessarily) about what people think of me, I wouldn’t be the person I am now WITHOUT those experiences. They’re part of my life, part of me.
I believe that most of us constantly perform our own private magic show; using smoke and mirrors, and other distractions to hide our past, what we think are our weaknesses, our inadequacies, etc., and only revealing the “best aspects” of ourselves to those around us, except for the “chosen few” (such as our partners) who we let into the secrets of our own illusions, delusions, and disillusions.
I hope that I’m a better person now than I was in my teens; and for reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I’m definitely more than a little bit aware of my own mortality! But it means that I’m trying to be a better person than I was; I try to be more thoughtful of others, more accepting of other people’s views and open to their differences; I try to be less critical and disparaging of other people. By becoming more self-aware, I’ve become more “other-aware”, if that makes sense?
Reading the above back to myself, I’m not sure if what I’ve written will help you (and I’m not even convinced that you actually need any help!), but hopefully it will show that you’re not the only one that feels that way about life.